And now I get to once again fade into the periphery. It seems to be what I'm good at.

I center myself in someone's world, become a large player/contender for most important people in their life, and when I'm no longer needed I'm discarded. It's not to say that I'm just dumped off as waste though. Perhaps I'm a bit reckless with a romantic heart. I haven't played this game much lately because it sucks.

I developed strong feelings for a female friend. Awesome for me. Things were awesome when she had her ex-boyfriend because I wanted nothing more, and she wanted nothing more. It was a friendship; pure. It was pure and untainted by the little thoughts and rules of men and women.

Then they broke up. That didn't challenge the purity it was composed of. Until the day she told me she sometimes thinks of us. There goes balance right? I'm left with no other choice than considering things until it makes sense in my head. Cognitive dissonance and all. I liked her. I hadn't realized it until it was too late.

Now she's with someone new. Awesome. This is where I'm at again. I get to be an awesome guy who would help a friend through a rough breakup, build her up, pick up the pieces, and hand her to the next vacuous, waste of human existence. Spoiler alert: He's a douche. I've never met him, but we'll call it type-casting, educated guessing, or experience with the subject matter.

I've realized through this past year(As a new year is upon us and it's time to reflect) that what I have to share is pretty special. I've never known a love like the one I can share from a woman. Any woman would be lucky to know me; truly and intimately. I guess I have no plan of attack on the future here.

That's not true. My sister talked me into signing up for a dating site. I now have a new medium by which I can communicate and inevitably be rejected by women with terrible grammar and a failing understanding of the general functions of the English language. There are women that show interest in my profile, but I wouldn't have interest in them if this planet were 10% women. It's not my fault or anyone else's. It's the nature of the beast. 

I guess I wait for change, and pray for rain.

I just have to ask if she's going to waste my time?

The only reason I have to ask is because I don't want to admit there's no chance of anything happening. I've liked so much, for so long that I can't walk away. I always try to reach a point beyond it, but it hasn't happened yet. It always comes back and haunts me again, and unless I know for sure I'll always wonder about it.

I would ask for your discretion, of course. I imagine she'd be pretty pissed if she found out I was writing this, but I have no clue what else to do. She hasn't even texted me for like 3 weeks, though I text her nearly every other day. I don't know if she's thinking, blowing me off, ignoring me, wishing we hadn't even talked about things we talked about, but I do I know I get to relive a facsimile of the worst week and a half of my life. (To which I refer the week and a half of no contact with my ex before she dumped me the night of my birthday.)

I'll write for days, given the chance, so let me bottom line it. I don't imagine a person being anymore what I want. I still like her now as I have for longer than I care to admit. She tells me out of the blue she likes me, and I have a hard-fought conversation about it. And now I get no contact whatsoever. I don't know if she's afraid or she thinks it'll be a mistake, but I need to know if it's time to walk away accepting a loss before I've even had a chance to show her who I can be, or if sticking it out like a jackass is the path I have to choose. I'm just not able to choose walk away for myself at this point.

Also I realize this is kind of messed up, this is really unfair to you, and probably like 10 or 15 more unscrupulous actions, but I'm at my wits end. Is she just going to waste my time?

My last writing got a decent amount of views, but no comments. That's ok.

So what's on the plate today? I guess that I'm ready. I'm available. I wanted to say I was ready for dating a couple of weeks ago, but I would have been a liar. I feel ready again. It's like I look at all of the negative being waived at me in a threatening manner and my only response is, "Hell yes!"

So let me tell you a story about a man. I am in fact this man. (Yes I said man, dick. Don't insult me while reading my story) A man who's been figuring out his life for some unspecified number of years. A man who didn't know which way was up a few short weeks ago knowing only that he could at least count on the pattern of going to work when the sun goes down, and coming home just after sunrise covered in the nights labor. Patterns are good.

Patterns are comfortable, and when you spend enough time doing them they become so second-natured they are the perfect process for reexaming your entire life. It's almost as good as sleeping on something, but it takes much longer. I guess that I'm really getting a good sense of me, where I'm at, what I want.

I've had the experience of my first real love. It was tragic, and sad, and everything devastating. Except it was more devastating the way lost ice cream is to a kid. It was the end of the world when it happened, but it's essentially spilled milk. I thought it was going to take me a long time to feel ready like I did before, but I'm right where I was.

I spend days fantasizing conversations, dreaming of the future, imagining how great it's going to be one day with xxxx. She doesn't have a name yet. Or she has a name, but I don't know it so she's xxxx. (On second thought that just looks like something that's more pornagraphic than xxx. We'll change it to ___.) This girl, ___, is going to be amazing.

It's like I can feel it in my bones that something is coming. Maybe even ___ is coming. This wonderful, apparitinous, revery of a faceless desire. This girl who smiles with every muscle in her body when she's really happy. This woman who can give me shit because god knows I dish it out. (Shit meaning harmless playful shenannigans like poking fun) The one who's firm, real, but knows how to lend a tender touch, motivate me, push me, and love me. But that's a tale for the future, so we'll have to wait for that.

In all of this recent soul-searching I think I've finally reached the point where I can comfortably say I'm ready for it all to be serious and real for me. If the next girl I dated seriously was the right caliber of woman I could see myself being ready to get married. I know that takes time, but I've always wondered before what would happen if it got really serious, because I didn't know if I could feel ready for that, but I guess my desires in life are becoming more lucid.

So I guess that I'm saying look out ladies of Denver... Prepare to be wooed, by the master.

Jerrome