Interesting... for some reason everyone decides they need to text me before noon on saturday. No. I'm not really that lazy, I just got out of work at like 3am last night, thanks for the wake up call. At first there were only like two of them, but once it was 5 different people I decided I didn't care and that I'd just wake up.

I believe life is good at the moment. I guess that doesn't say much considering I'm the kind of person that can't be knocked down. Don't get me wrong, I suffer, I feel pain, and I experience everything else other people do, but I get over it quickly and I always take life as an enjoyable experience. Today things are genuinely good.

My chick problems haven't been solved; but that's only because there is no such thing as a solution for you people. Yep. I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you. What? I'm a liar? Go read your birth certificate! But seriously, it's ok. We talked it over and I guess we've reached a point where she is willing to at least date me. This is good. I didn't want to jump directly into a relationship because I she and I get along great as friends, but we have to make sure there is still a spark if the dynamic changes. And for all of the thinking I've been doing I felt off my rocker. She said one sentence that hit me like a brick to the face. She said, "don't think so much, whatever is meant to be will be." My brain stopped turning for a minute.

I've always been a pretty firm believer in this type of thinking, but I've never really applied it to relationships before. I usually look at relationships as try not to fuck it up for as long as possible before you get owned. Not really. I'm too positive a thinker for that. I look at them as an extremely difficult scenario that is often more work than gain. In this instance I am aware of how much I have to gain and I'm not afraid to roll the dice on it. And another thinker might apply the phrase and say my previous relationships weren't meant to be so it wasn't going to be good anyway. Well to you I say stop getting ahead of me, I'm getting there.

What else is good? I've started working out. I've had work out routines before so I should say I've started working out more seriously. I'm going about three times a week at 24hour fitness. It's really the best thing for me because I live my schedule at night and the only time I can go to other gyms is if I wake up on a different schedule just to go. Not going to happen. Now I go anwhere from 10pm until like 2 or 3am. I think for the first time in my life I have a commitment to myself to get into a much better shape. The only thing is that we always go lifting before cardio. I'm trying to lose weight here and I'm building more muscle mass. I'm going to have to walk my arms into a vet. Why? Because these puppies are SICK! I know, thank you. Lameness is a quality I work at.

I actually have a vehicle now too. We, and by we I mean my friend nick the designated driver, totalled my mom's car about 3 months ago or so. She bought herself a 2001 Nissan Pathfinder. It's pretty badass. In turn she decided to sell me her old truck. I can't be sure, but It's either a '90 or a '91 Ford F250 XLT Lariat. Extended cab, superbed. She's a beast. And for those of you who don't know, I named her Fiona. Like the ogre/princess from Shrek. Double enteandu? And yes, I do name everything. MY guitars are leslie and ayla, my trombone is traci, and my Trumpet is Ainsley... yep.

So right now life is good. I feel good, I feel happy, I've got my mind back in autopilot, which is where us men belong, and I'm optimistic about the future.

Hopelessly optimistic,

J

We'll always have french toast.

This is weird to write because I know of the few people who might stumble across this page there is a friend that might be made uncomfortable by this. This is my blog however; my cathartic portal through which to pump my difficult, vexing thoughts. Let me tell you about her.

I don't really know beyond any level of coherent history that this story has a beginning. I've known of her for years and I've always kind of admired her, though I guess I didn't really have much to go on other than looks. She was just the sister of one of my closest friends at this time though so I only really knew her by association. I told my friend that I was attracted to her, which only started a chain of awkward jokes thrown at us which left her confused and me embarassed.(I guess I didn't realize that this story branches into my more awkward days before I started writing it.)

Well a couple of years went on and she and I developed this odd kind of back and forth. I would tease her constantly and she would give me the death stare until we'd both start laughing. I really enjoy making her laugh. She's pretty smart too and she's not afraid to take me down a notch. I've never had so much fun being made fun of in my life.

About a year ago one of my other friends made a move on her. I had confused feelings, but as a man I sucked them up and pretended I had never entertained the idea of there being an "us". Maybe at this time I was too bitter with the women I had been involved with to let myself feel anyway about it though. This relationship was short-lived, but provided more insight.

While in Washington my friend was using my phone to text her. He went to the bathroom at just the moment to allow an unforeseen accident to occur. Out of the clear blue he left the phone beside me, and she texted something, and it's a message I've thought about on occasion. It said simply, "Do you think I should be dating Jerrome?" This told me one thing. She likes me. Well I should assume it's past-tense now and that she did like me.

I ran into her at my friend's house several months back after not seeing her for a few months before. instantly I just started teasing her and we both laughed a lot. Most people usually think we hate eachother because we can be so mean to eachother, but it's like mega-flirting. So I started texting her in my freetime and we've gotten so much closer.

We even hang out late every Sunday night and we go on our "date" and eat dinner that I pay for. I think part of it is my way of trying to provide hope that there are men out there that aren't completely shit. This whole thing started after the discovery of a mutual affection of french toast.We have conversation about life, women, men, and just random story sharing. I know that it has been the highlight of my last couple of weeks because I don't know anything I do that is as much fun.

The only hitch in this is that I think I'm being friend zoned because of this other guy from the past. I think that she and I would be great together, and I know she has had a past where she entertained the idea as well. If I hadn't been such a pussy back then this story could be so much different than it is now. So I sit here in this confused position of complete uncertainty. I know nothing is certain in these things, but I'm not afraid to tell her what I think, I just don't want to throw away the friendship if I'm convinced there is no possibility of success.

so, as a person with confused thoughts in my mind, I've got all of these thoughts that I just can't even let myself know that I'm thinking. I bottle it up, put on a happy face and pretend I don't lie awake thinking about how ridiculous it is that we both spend so much time being lonely if there's still a spark left between us. I don't give hints in my eyes that I feel something profoundly scarce in my life experiences. I betray no clue that would tell her I want nothing less in all of my life than just to be her friend; so close but inevitably far.

Since this is me clearing my mind let me purge the thoughts that have my head so filled that I need to empty it.

She has a terrific sense of humor. I can usually keep her laughing which leads to...
She has a beautiful smile.
She has a very strong emotional side, and she has a great deal of compassion. This I really admire.
She's tall... I'm just saying.
She has her own opinions about things and she isn't afraid to fight me over them.
For as much as some people think she is a negative person I think the world around her hasn't shown her much to be hopeful for. Even still I think she is optimistic underneath it all.

And what do I want out of this? I want her to know that she is special. I want her to know that she is beautiful. I want her to know that she is a fun loving person with a heart of gold, to be completely satisfied with whoshe is. These are all things I know to be true of her, but I'm not sure if she really knows.

I know this is a lot to write for a simple what if, but this has been on my mind for a couple of weeks. Also this story shouldn't read, "I'm in love." since I think it clearly reads, "Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl..." If this doesn't blow up on me here I'll update again.

Hopelessly optimistic,

Jerrome